Reflection

Thinking a lot about the litany of grotty times as a result of drinking. I've come to the conclusion that drip feeding them through at the rate of 1 a day is actually quite depressing!!

I don't want to punish myself, that's not why I'm giving up booze.

But right now, as I'm starting to feel good not drinking, important to me to remember how that romantic cold glass of white wine ends...

....so (deep breath!) here goes with a list, won't be a full & comprehensive list as I'm sure there's lots I've forgotten (too embarrassed to recall?!) -

Vomiting: on the train, station platform, London Bridge ticket machines, in a plastic bag, on the street, at a friend's party in her bath. Those are all separate individual events. And quite a few the morning after. At least three separate times at London Bridge rail station (what is it with that place?! ;) )

Texting mean messages - to my mum, to a sports team friend

Being really, really nasty to my sister on a hen party

Hitting my OH in the chest. Kicking him (literally) out of bed. All in the middle of highly irrational insecure arguments.

Hitting the sides of taxis hard when they won't take me (twice in Edinburgh....again, a propensity for one type of behaviour in one city??)

Anniversary dinners ending with tears rolling down my face - for no reason

Arguments with bouncers when they won't let me back into clubs. Holy shit I had such RAGE!

Ugh.

You know, I think I first realised my drinking habits might not be healthy about 15 years ago when having my wisdom teeth out meant I realised I hadn't had a drink for four days. The longest period I'd gone without in the 4 years since starting university.

Read some more of 'Mrs D is going without' this morning - reminded me how good Jason Vale is at clearing the fog of lies & fabrication that booze is fun, happy, necessary for social interaction & essential for good times. It's SO not!

Sitting uncomfortably with some work for next week hanging over me - I would previously weave some wine into my day to blunt the feeling & get me through the day without thinking too much about it. How wrong is that?! As AA Gill says, booze is nothing but a (legally sanctioned, freely available, socially acceptable) anaesthetic. Why oh why do I feel the need to dull this one glorious life I get?

Xx

Day 33

Feeling good. Have got so much more energy & continuing to read lots which really helps.

Definitely worried about work weekend away in next month or so - it's the usual expectation of large nights, stories to remember, endless boozing. Am dreading the fancy dress games!

Why do I anticipate it'll be really tough without booze? I dunno.... Think it's because I won't have alcohol to take the edge off. Blunt my embarrassment. Stop me caring what I look like, what others will think. Mean that I don't look like the party pooper who just doesn't find 'enforced fun' and games funny. Harrumph. I have to go. It'll be fine. But I'll need nerves of steel to get through it.

Am I blowing it out of proportion? Maybe. Have to remember most people care & think about themselves too much to worry & wonder at what others are doing / not doing!!

Horrific incident #2
My DC complaining 'you stink of wine mummy' as I'm giving goodnight kisses. On many occasions.

My mum was a boozer, and I remember her being so disengaged & otherwise occupied. Ready to snap & fly off the handle at the littlest thing. I'm doing this to be a better parent than I have been. Must keep that in my head. And it's working so far.

Sleep well. Another day done, well done.

Xx

1 month / 32 days (approximately...;)

Have been reading lots on boozing / not boozing and thought I should try writing stuff down - to, you know, hold myself to account and actually commit to properly!

It seems after the initial hump in the first few days / weeks a lot of people think 'it's easy' (pink cloud?!) but then hit a road block and come unstuck. And I really, really want to do this. For life.

But I don't trust myself yet. Am scared. Scared I'll fail, scared I'll go back to being physically present but mentally absent. Scared I'll be a drinker for the rest of my life.

Right now, I'm loving being sober. Sleeping better, thinking better, managing work stress better, nicer to the kids, the OH. I've got bags more patience. I'm actually kinder to everyone, including myself.

So, I'm going to start by writing down a few of the times I've really disgraced myself as a result of drinking - to have it recorded in black & white just how bad I get, and remind myself I DO NOT want to be that person:

Horrific incident #1
Out with a friend, steak & red wine for dinner, so far so good, 1 aperitif, 1 bottle down.
Then I push push push to go to a bar.... Friend doesn't really want to, I make her.
Couple of cocktails in, she's with me and we're starting to fly!
But I want more.
So we find a club, I'm stumbling, badly dressed for the environment - so not cool - find it funny & think I'm sexy getting chatted up by some men; we join their table and I help myself to the bottles of spirits in the bowl. Ice doesn't come quick enough so I help myself to the stuff around the bottles. Don't dance or chat, just keep on drinking!

Fast forward two hours, no idea how I got home. Room spinning. OH most definitely not impressed. I start being sick. In bed. Our new bed, with beautiful new cream sheets.

Remember that red wine & steak?! Truly, truly awful. I'm sick in bed, in the hallway, up the walls... Am not one to do things by halves ;)

Hmmm. In the morning, head pounding, I'm greeted with a bowl of washing up liquid and a cloth.... safe to say I had a LOT of apologising to do! And cleaning.

Just writing that down makes me feel ill.

'Play the movie to the end' I've read somewhere.

I have got to remember this when the mind-teasing starts, me testing & questioning whether 'was I really that bad.....': Yes. You were.

Xx