Have been reading lots on boozing / not boozing and thought I should try writing stuff down - to, you know, hold myself to account and actually commit to properly!
It seems after the initial hump in the first few days / weeks a lot of people think 'it's easy' (pink cloud?!) but then hit a road block and come unstuck. And I really, really want to do this. For life.
But I don't trust myself yet. Am scared. Scared I'll fail, scared I'll go back to being physically present but mentally absent. Scared I'll be a drinker for the rest of my life.
Right now, I'm loving being sober. Sleeping better, thinking better, managing work stress better, nicer to the kids, the OH. I've got bags more patience. I'm actually kinder to everyone, including myself.
So, I'm going to start by writing down a few of the times I've really disgraced myself as a result of drinking - to have it recorded in black & white just how bad I get, and remind myself I DO NOT want to be that person:
Horrific incident #1
Out with a friend, steak & red wine for dinner, so far so good, 1 aperitif, 1 bottle down.
Then I push push push to go to a bar.... Friend doesn't really want to, I make her.
Couple of cocktails in, she's with me and we're starting to fly!
But I want more.
So we find a club, I'm stumbling, badly dressed for the environment - so not cool - find it funny & think I'm sexy getting chatted up by some men; we join their table and I help myself to the bottles of spirits in the bowl. Ice doesn't come quick enough so I help myself to the stuff around the bottles. Don't dance or chat, just keep on drinking!
Fast forward two hours, no idea how I got home. Room spinning. OH most definitely not impressed. I start being sick. In bed. Our new bed, with beautiful new cream sheets.
Remember that red wine & steak?! Truly, truly awful. I'm sick in bed, in the hallway, up the walls... Am not one to do things by halves ;)
Hmmm. In the morning, head pounding, I'm greeted with a bowl of washing up liquid and a cloth.... safe to say I had a LOT of apologising to do! And cleaning.
Just writing that down makes me feel ill.
'Play the movie to the end' I've read somewhere.
I have got to remember this when the mind-teasing starts, me testing & questioning whether 'was I really that bad.....': Yes. You were.
Xx
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