Reflection

Thinking a lot about the litany of grotty times as a result of drinking. I've come to the conclusion that drip feeding them through at the rate of 1 a day is actually quite depressing!!

I don't want to punish myself, that's not why I'm giving up booze.

But right now, as I'm starting to feel good not drinking, important to me to remember how that romantic cold glass of white wine ends...

....so (deep breath!) here goes with a list, won't be a full & comprehensive list as I'm sure there's lots I've forgotten (too embarrassed to recall?!) -

Vomiting: on the train, station platform, London Bridge ticket machines, in a plastic bag, on the street, at a friend's party in her bath. Those are all separate individual events. And quite a few the morning after. At least three separate times at London Bridge rail station (what is it with that place?! ;) )

Texting mean messages - to my mum, to a sports team friend

Being really, really nasty to my sister on a hen party

Hitting my OH in the chest. Kicking him (literally) out of bed. All in the middle of highly irrational insecure arguments.

Hitting the sides of taxis hard when they won't take me (twice in Edinburgh....again, a propensity for one type of behaviour in one city??)

Anniversary dinners ending with tears rolling down my face - for no reason

Arguments with bouncers when they won't let me back into clubs. Holy shit I had such RAGE!

Ugh.

You know, I think I first realised my drinking habits might not be healthy about 15 years ago when having my wisdom teeth out meant I realised I hadn't had a drink for four days. The longest period I'd gone without in the 4 years since starting university.

Read some more of 'Mrs D is going without' this morning - reminded me how good Jason Vale is at clearing the fog of lies & fabrication that booze is fun, happy, necessary for social interaction & essential for good times. It's SO not!

Sitting uncomfortably with some work for next week hanging over me - I would previously weave some wine into my day to blunt the feeling & get me through the day without thinking too much about it. How wrong is that?! As AA Gill says, booze is nothing but a (legally sanctioned, freely available, socially acceptable) anaesthetic. Why oh why do I feel the need to dull this one glorious life I get?

Xx